In the beginning of our lives we don't choose anything, we don't choose our parents, family, where we are born or live. But as as we get older we learn that we can make choices that give us an important life skill of making decisions. From an early age I learned that every decision would follow with a consequence, if I ate my vegetables, I could have dessert, and I if I chose not to, then I would lose what I was looking forward to the most. This is a very simple example, but my point is this, as I was growing up I learned to make decisions knowing that I had a choice and consequently thought I knew how my life would progress, first school, college, university, then get married, have children and be happy etc..... but it didn't happen that way so I asked myself..... why didn't things go as planned? why couldn't I finish the things I started? why was I divorced at the age of 23?
That important life skill I learned from a young age, when I would think of the consequences before taking a decision had somehow been overshadowed by my emotions and desires as I got older, this then blinded the rational side that would help me make the right decision.
Let's talk about my first love.....I was 15 when I started dating.......awww how sweet turned to sour....
When I met my first love I was actually 13, then met him again when I was 15 and we started dating. As the relationship developed I started seeing characteristics in me that I never knew existed, insecurities, jealousy and actually realised how timid and needy I was. Because of my past, my parents divorced when I was 8, I was very insecure and because of that I was afraid of losing those around me and especially my first boyfriend. I got married at his mothers proposal for us to get married, thinking marriage would be enough to keep him.
A valuable lesson learned.....some decisions should only be taken by you!
Well, her proposal was because her son was illegal in the country! all I wanted was to be loved and secure, so when I was told I may lose him unless I married him, I really couldn't see any other way to keep him so I got married at 19. When I made that decision, I ignored all the other factors that I should have considered..... he had no stability, I was jealous and insecure, there were things in the relationship that I shouldn't have accepted, he was illegal in the country and the list goes on....whilst his mother pushed for the marriage we both knew we were not ready and in the back ground there was a loud voice saying 'think' 'you don't have to do this now' 'look at A,B C that make you unhappy' but we both ignored our rational side and went by emotions, the need for him to get his stay in the UK and to please his mum.....after less than a year of marriage, we ended up living separate lives under one roof, unhappy, desperately wanting to be together but not knowing how and eventually ended up being unfaithful to one another.
Well this story has many sad details between the lines, but the mistake I made was ignoring the rational side to make a decision that would benefit me at the time. I chose to use my emotions, I allowed someone else make a decision for me that only I should have made and above all I didn't value myself enough to stop the relationship when there were many signs of disrespect and humiliation. I was so needy that in fact I didn't even consider myself! I thought about him, his family and their needs and totally disregarded how it would affect me, I even hid the real reason as to why I was marrying from my family so I was dealing with it alone because I didn't want to lose him.
Perhaps you are reading this and you are in a similar situation, you are afraid of losing that person by your side so you accept the disrespect or humiliation from them or those around you, but you know what my first step to find true happiness was? To care about myself, why? because I realised if I don't, who will? nobody!
I learned that the first step to true happiness is to realise that although we can help many, we first need to care, value and help ourselves. For me it meant changing my way of thinking, saying to myself that I can be happy and then taking steps to work on me. This meant cutting of certain people who do not value me, leaving behind habits that only made me feel worse, I used drugs for a while and it lead to depression and insomnia. I had to stop and think about me, about what was inside and take a decision to start focussing on me.
Think for a moment, when was the last time you did something for you? what are you doing for yourself of late? are you considering how the decision(s) you are about to make will affect you? Do you accept certain things because you are scared of being alone?
If so, stop for a moment and think, think about what you want because nobody can do this for you, nobody else can value you if you don't value yourself first.
Remember that life skill we learned as a child, every decision has a consequence....when will you decide to put yourself first?....the consequences will speak for themselves.
It's your decision.
I'll be back soon with more experiences.... sharing is caring!
